A Stormy Wake

January 26, 2010 at 12:02 am (Addiction, Divorce, Gambling)

In the dead of winter when the sun rises cautiously and sets eagerly, when the temperatures are bone chilling, and the snow stands tall, we can count on the predictability of the season like following a good roadmap.

But today was a dark, stormy Monday filled with torrential rains, hurricane force winds, humid warmth, and a foggy mist enveloping everything. The familiar was foreign, much like my life. Mr. Ex does not live here anymore and when I opened my eyes on this first Monday morning I heard the storms outside, and in the discomfort of my warm bed, was smacked with the reality of life as I now know it.

Still trying to see through my tired eyes in the darkness of this morning, when I turned on my computer I noticed a comment on yesterday’s post (The First Day…Again,) from a fellow blogger who said “Congratulations!” At first I was not sure what to make of that sentiment, after all I’m still raw and disoriented. I go from moments of regular routine to ultimate surreal living as I try to maneuver through all the emotions and logistics of this situation. “Congratulations.” Interesting.

Before I realized that the comment was from a very articulate, veteran divorcee with a wonderful blog, I immediately thought one recently removed husband, Mr. Ex, wrote the comment. He has been fairly unpleasant to me in the past, so I unfairly accused him of sending me a sarcastic and nasty remark.

I try not to get lost in the evil events of our marriage, but sometimes it’s hard to forget what has left our family with unhealed battle wounds. The scars of addiction, betrayal, distrust, and emotional torture exist right at the surface of our daily lives. A wake of destruction.

The recent job loss brings up a chain of emotional reaction starting with the anger that if there was no gambling addiction we would not be left here drowning in debt and now unsure of any financial stability, let alone security. Our lives, our children’s lives, our family was destroyed in years of wasted misery. I hate thinking about it, talking about it, living it, but it exists. Even now, with the dissolution of our marriage, it exists.

Today’s angry weather exemplifies my life. The flooding, the power outages, the traffic accidents, the crowded emergency rooms, all byproducts of the elements…the shredding, the tears, and the pain, all byproducts of a marriage filled with many recent storms and devoid of true love.

As I move from the illusion of a happy marriage into the reality of the death of an unhappy one, I will learn to embrace the congratulations I received on this bleak morning of painful unfamiliarity. What we can really only count on is the weather changing. Feelings changing. People changing. And life changing.

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Uncomfortable Unknowns

January 23, 2010 at 12:12 am (Divorce, Enlightenment, Family, Gambling)

The house of cards keeps tumbling down.  One minute I’m in a very relaxed place of deep yoga peace, the next I am jolted and shocked by a phone call from one now unemployed Mr. Ex.  He was laid off from his job today…after just moving out of our home a few days ago.

The changes keep coming, faster than imagined, and certainly without predictability.  I began this week realizing that Mr. Ex’s recovery and the rest of the family’s ability to heal could not happen under the same roof.  I learned a little bit each day about what that meant and how that feels, nothing I had ever experienced.   

Then before I could even settle into that change, at the end of this already difficult week of serious happenings, he unexpectedly lost his job.  Not exactly what I planned for.  But we aren’t always given warning when the curve balls of life come out of left field.   

It’s the unknowns that can be a little unnerving–the discomfort in the not knowing.  This is especially tricky for somebody who tries to fix things, who seeks resolution, who needs answers and predictability, something to cling to in the moment to get through to the other side. 

But that’s not always possible.  Sometimes we have to hang around with our discomfort, and find peace in that.  In yoga it’s referred to as comfortable discomfort.  Holding poses until you think you can’t hold on anymore, then just going for another minute, another breath.  I have practiced this for years, I should be used to it by now. 

But it’s not easy, living with uncomfortable unknowns requires strength, patience, and remembering that the unknown is opportunity in disguise.  One leap of faith can change everything.  Unexpected news can actually get you going, propel you into a better place, into a change that makes sense, that makes a difference. 

I’ll cling to that as I live through these uncomfortable unknowns, and let them enlarge the future.  The stars are aligning and what is in store will be revealed, and it will be all good, and right, and peaceful, and fulfilling.

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A Time for Change

January 20, 2010 at 12:43 am (Addiction, Divorce, Enlightenment, Gambling)

Once again I find myself facing change.  Somewhere deep inside of me I drew out the courage to tell Mr. Ex that I can’t live with our situation the way it is anymore.

Not sure where it came from, but after a lot of conflict resulting from his addiction and struggles of recovery, a lot of hard work with clinicians, a lot of soul-searching, and a pause away from the daily grind, I realized that we needed to break from the pain we continue to cause each other.

I surprised myself when I heard the words coming out of my mouth…even though we have gone through this in the past when I first found out about the addiction.  But it was deeper than that for me now, and for him.  Looking back through the years there have been multiple emotional balls we have both been juggling, but instead of juggling we have just thrown the balls at each other.

Neither of us wanted to recognize the emotional disconnect that we have had, which then became complicated with an addiction.  His gambling was a byproduct of all of his personal internal issues, and he turned to gambling to try to fix them.  This of course led to disastrous results that he is now working hard to overcome. 

I fought my way through my own demons on a different path, seeking fulfillment of my destiny and dreams through empowerment, truth and wholeness, and we found ourselves on two very different roads. 

I hoped and believed that he could be somebody he is not, and learned to see that in the context of my reality.  His internal unhappiness, my inability to fix that, and our differing needs have propelled us both into change.  So I stopped and asked myself if I am willing to see and do things differently for the greater good of both of us.  I had to come into an acceptance of what is, instead of having unmet expectations that then create sadness.

So as I figure out how to move into this change I remind myself of a few things:

The best thing I can do is to take care of myself and focus on what is in my control.  Change is a chance to grow.  It can offer hopefulness, provide opportunities, new paths to follow.   I move forward with a mind to persevere, a smile, and courage in my heart.   I hope he will do the same.

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All You Have Is All You Need

January 3, 2010 at 10:09 pm (Addiction, Boys, Enlightenment, Family, Friends, Gambling, Health, House, Spending)

Coming off of a holiday filled with abundance, presents being dropped on our doorstep anonymously, gifts cards arriving in the mail from far away places, enough food to feed a small village, it gave me pause for thought on having, needing, wanting, and achieving abundance and prosperity.

My family does not lack.  No, we do not have an unlimited bank account, in fact, just the opposite with a substantial gambling debt, but we still do not lack. Mr. Ex has a good job, two in fact, and the bills are paid on time.  The children are involved in many extracurricular activities, often on scholarship or through state services provided due to my son’s circumstances, but they are all afforded opportunities to participate in many things. 

We have a house (albeit we are selling to pay the debt,) two cars, an overstock of food, nice clothes, computers, game consoles, televisions in almost every room, music systems, high-speed internet, cell phones, and I haven’t even mentioned heat all winter, central air all summer, trips along the shore (thanks to a mother who lives there,) and the list goes on.

Looking around at what we have fills me with gratitude on a daily basis.  But this was a learned concept, I grew up with material abundance, and I never knew any differently until surviving the life changing school of hard knocks in adulthood.  I have to work hard to instill gratitude into my children, who are used to having what they want, but maybe don’t have an understanding about what they really need, which is internal happiness no matter the external situation.

Mr. Ex did not grow up the way I did, he had what he needed physically—food, shelter, clothing, but not what he needed emotionally—a loving family providing emotional nurturing.  He has worked hard to offer that to his children and did up to a point when his addiction took over, something he is now trying to fix.   But he still yearns for material things on a regular basis.  The conflict is a very real, visible struggle.

This is not about Mr. Ex’s want of things, or my children’s worldly desires, or even my own wish list; this is about understanding that all we have is all we need.  And really, all we have in the material world is much more than what we need. 

Abundance is much more than having things.  Abundance is about an overflowing fullness of the heart.  It is simplicity of life, grace, ease, comfort, cheer, happiness, sufficiency and satisfaction.   It is looking around your life and seeing the reality of all that you have and feeling how prosperous you really are over and above your tangible environment.

Prosperity is often defined in a financial context, but we forget that we can be prosperous in other areas of our lives…health, well-being, peace of mind, restfulness, friendships, values, favor, joy.  It is what truly exists for us in a more ethereal sphere. 

We can even be abundantly prosperous…living a live filled with gratitude for everything around us, everything in us.   Committing to feeling good, optimism, and back to a familiar theme of mine—hope and belief in all things, present and possible.

Feeling abundant and prosperous in our lives despite our situation and circumstances is a personal choice that must be grown and nurtured, felt and cherished.  It’s about shifting thinking from lack to plenty, to soundness and stability both physically and emotionally. 

Just for a minute each day think about all you have and be grateful for it. Then watch what you attain and feel it start to fill you up in ways you never imagined.

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Anniversary Cupcakes

January 2, 2010 at 12:06 am (Addiction, Enlightenment, Family, Gambling)

Mr. Ex and I recently had our 20th wedding anniversary.  This momentous occasion certainly was not what I expected when we said our “I do’s” 20 years ago.  Time has changed a lot of things.

I knew the anniversary was coming of course, but did not know what to do about it since our marriage has been strained with the discovery of his gambling addiction.  The toll on the family and the toll on the couple is substantial.  But the lack of the partnership is enormous.

A person with an addiction focuses on one thing and one thing only—their fix.  I was not part of that and most of the time unknowingly got in the way.  With addiction comes a great internal lack of fulfillment that is sought through the addiction but never obtained except for a fleeting moment.

No one can meet the needs of an addict, it must come from within, something I have recently learned.  Mr. Ex has also recently learned this and is working to fill a lifetime of a fairly empty inner well of unmet needs.  This is no easy task.  The road is a terribly difficult one for him and for those around him.

So our anniversary came.  And I got him cupcakes.  Two big, fancy, beautifully decorated, frosting-laden, cupcakes.  Why?  Not sure.  He had admired these artful cupcakes several times when passing by an upscale bakery, so that is what I got him.  One vanilla, one chocolate, different in flavor and color, different in style and decoration, decadent but sinful.   The yin and yang of our lives together.  They were each put in their own attractive box surrounded by pretty and delicate tissue, to protect each cupcake in its beauty, to not damage their edible perfection…cupcakes to be cherished, not broken or crumbled by stronger forces.

After I brought the cupcakes home in their two separate and unique square boxes, I stopped to think about this gift gesture on a milestone anniversary when the miles have worn us down.  I wanted to embrace the occasion but was having a hard time.  It was a day to celebrate but was cloaked in disenchanting sorrow.  

Mr. Ex rose to the occasion with a bouquet of beautifully colored roses in an elegant vase tied with a big, fluffy ribbon, and a box of gourmet chocolate chip cookies…my favorite.  The card was lovely, filled with sentiment about our years together.  He did a great job of trying to make our anniversary special, even after working all day at two different jobs—his regular job and the second one that he has to pay the gambling debt.  I tried to be happy but had mixed feelings.  I let him down by not responding to our anniversary with similar enthusiasm.

Being married to a recovering addict and the impact of that is not what I had hoped for or dreamed of as a young bride.  The realization of the loss of the fairy tale has been hard for a girl who believes in them. 

The two, big, sparkling, fluffy cupcakes partly symbolize the hope, but not the reality of our time together.  We didn’t eat the cupcakes.  They are still sitting in their separate boxes next to a bottle of champagne and a vase of beautiful roses.

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Not As Clean As The Pure Driven Snow

December 20, 2009 at 9:15 pm (Addiction, Boys, Enlightenment, Family, Gambling, Perfection)

There is nothing like a beautiful powdery snowfall…white, crisp, clean, pure.  But it doesn’t last.  It melts, it gets dirty, muddy, and it’s messy, kind of like the heart to heart I had with my husband this morning about my internal conflict over where we each are in our own lives.  It started out well and ended up messy. 

I’m a fairy tale type of girl and for years have always thought it possible for that clean, pristine snow to last forever.  But I’ve slowly begun to realize that is just not based in reality.

I have always tried to fix things, people, and lives to keep things neat and clean.  But I recently had an awakening that maybe things can be different and maybe I need to rely on myself, not other people to keep my world in a semi-pristine state. 

If you’ve read my blog at all, you know that my husband is recovering from a gambling addiction, one it looks like he had for longer than I realized.  It was a shock that rocked all off our worlds.  He has come clean with me and we have struggled, as with any addiction there are relapses and recovery periods.  While he does get therapeutic help, there are still repercussions.

Don’t get me wrong, my husband has provided well for us for many many years.   But as a result of this addiction, I have felt that a lot of my children’s and my emotional needs have not been met.  This has been devastating.

On the flip side my husband frequently points out to me that the reason this addiction started is because his needs were not being met, originally by his parents, and later by me.  While I know logically that someone’s addiction is their own and people make choices, I still have a hard time reconciling the fact that I am often partly blamed for this addiction, and I cannot seem to give up the hope that my needs will eventually be met.

So what do you do when you have a marriage that is in two totally different places and each of you has very different needs?  That is my dilemma right now, it’s quite a struggle. 

I know my husband is trying, and I do give him a lot of credit for that.  He is holding down two jobs, is providing for his family, taking care of his children, and is in therapy.  A lot for anyone to manage. 

In a perfect world he would be in a more intensive recovery program, but with the reality of what has to be done to pay off the gambling debt he has very limited time.  He does choose to spend the free time that he has with his boys, re-building the respect and trust that he has lost.  The boys are slowly coming around, but it takes time.  They love him dearly and they want nothing more than to believe that this is as real as the fresh-fallen snow.

I, on the other hand, like everything in a neat little box tied with a white satin ribbon.  I would like guarantees of no more broken promises and no more hurt.  But I know that’s not possible.  Right now at this period in my life I am struggling with the fact I may never be able to meet my husband’s needs, nor he, mine.  So where we go from here, I don’t know.

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Trust. Or Lack There Of.

November 5, 2009 at 12:28 am (Addiction, Gambling)

So Mr. Ex is 38 days gambling free, supposedly…but who’s counting.  Living with a recovering addict is hard in ways I never imagined for a lot of reasons that are almost too numerous to name.  I’m hoping he has had some Come to Jesus Moments (an interesting slang-phrase well-known in various religious and even business traditions defining enlightenment, facing reality, getting the job done now before it’s too late, and other similar definitions,) but along the way I am learning about myself. 

Let’s start with the loss of trust.  Besides the obvious, I have lost trust in a lot of things, like life in general, people, things.  It’s hard to trust when you have been lied to over and over, and I wonder, will I ever trust again?  I don’t just mean Mr. Ex, I mean in general.  I don’t trust my instincts because when I thought I did I apparently was not “tuned in” enough to really know what was going on right in front of me.  He was in control of what I believed to be true, and he was so good at it I had no idea what was real.  What is real. 

I am scared about a lot of things and have had ample reason to feel that way.  Will the rug be pulled out from me again?  Will another layer of fallout be revealed?  Sometimes it seems like he is stuck in the gap between wanting to recover and wanting to gamble.  Sometimes it feels like I am getting in the way of whatever it is he thinks he needs.  I’m not inside his head, I don’t really know what’s in there.  I’m afraid to let my guard down to really find out.

I most of the time take in his fear, his anger, his ups and downs and I live trying to not upset him or his recovery, this is about survival.  Sometimes I feel like I know how to survive in a guerilla jungle of emotion, as the entangled web that he wove starts to unwind one strand at a time.  It all seems so unfamiliar, uncomfortable and difficult, and yet I have so many survival tactics up my sleeve that I utilize, mostly to my detriment.   

I don’t like it, I don’t want to live like this, in disbelief, distrust, and discombobulation from all things that create a sense of security, stability, predictability and safety.  And I am not sure Mr. Ex wants to live that way either.  Why would anyone want to live like that?  But here we are in a state of limbo.  He’s actively waiting for recovery.  I’m actively waiting for trust. 

A very strange thing occurred today, which brings me back to the 38 days of seemingly gambling-free.  Yesterday Mr. Ex’s mother called and invited him to meet her at the casino where he used to go feed his addiction, even though several weeks ago he had told her he was a compulsive gambler, wanted to recover, and at that time she told him to “stay away from that place.”   Yesterday we also received a phone call at our home from a collection agency asking for Mr. Ex’s brother.  (Like I said it’s an entangled web.)  Naturally my radar went up, and my instincts tried to tune in, albeit unsuccessfully?  I did not get any answers. 

Today when Mr. Ex went to work his boss asked him to join him at a meeting that very afternoon a short distance away from said casino, which would put him in the area, and away from his all-important and also his favorite Gamblers Anonymous meeting that he regularly attends this particular eve.  Now, in light of yesterday’s gambling-related curious events and today’s request, I was really quite worried that this was either a big scheme/scam (as I have lived so many times in the past,) or it was actually the truth and the universe working its mysterious ways. 

This entire situation puts me in a very precarious position.  Lack of trust feelings shudder through my mind and my body.  Flashbacks occur.  Old and new feelings of wondering re-surface, but almost in numbing, scar-like ways.  For the past however-many days-weeks-months I have questioned Mr. Ex’s whereabouts.  Part of his recovery is that he always be accountable for his whereabouts.  It is very agonizing to be in a position where I have to question every single thing he does.  It’s really draining. 

We can talk and analyze it to death.  The bottom line is that if he wants to gamble he will find a way to do it and there’s nothing I can do about it. So where does that leave me?  In a place where I can decide that I realize it’s not something I can control and try to have serenity in releasing it?   Trust is a funny thing.  When you have it you can rest your head and your heart at night and know that everything is going to be ok.  And when you don’t have it…well…

It turns out that he was telling the truth about the business meeting with his boss.  I think.

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Layer Upon Layer Upon Layer

October 21, 2009 at 10:10 pm (Addiction, Enlightenment, Gambling, House, Spending)

I have nothing to say tonight.  Well I have a lot, but I can’t even begin to say it.  I’m paralyzed.  I get to the point where I’m literally paralyzed and cannot move.  Physically or mentally. 

I peel away layers and layers of the life that I live with Mr. Ex, but I never get to the core.  The core is covered by years of secrets, of pain, of deceit, of lies.  I can’t do this addiction recovery work for him, this is his work, I can’t get to his core, but I do suffer the consequences of  each new layer, along with our children.  Like peeling away the layers of an onion, I keep discovering more and more things that he says, “I never told you because why should I tell you things that would hurt you.”   And he also goes on to say, “That was in the past, and I actually forgot about that and am working so hard to get well and move forward.” 

That may be the case, but every day I find out new things and I just cannot keep up.  And it’s surreal, literally unfathomable.  Almost like one day I will see my life and story on a news magazine show.  I haven’t delved into the details of my life with Mr. Ex on this blog, because it was a life that I thought I knew and could sort of understand and cope with, but I shockingly and accidentally found out that he has had a whole secret life going on that I knew nothing about.  

How much can we take?  I mean really, there are four other lives here that have been compromised by his “other life.”    Addicts don’t think clearly, they say they have no recollection of anything that isn’t related to their addiction and how to cover it up, how to keep it going, it’s a life-force that controls them.  And now it’s a waiting game for all of us…he is putting all of these controls into place, but until he is really ready to do it, the life-force will always win.  He is fighting that now, it’s a fight to the death.   For all of us. 

For not having anything to say I certainly did just say a lot.  Plus I just found out as I was closing up shop on this day, apparently the home inspection showed some much bigger things than we knew about and now we don’t know whether we can sell the house without these things being addressed…we have more people coming to look at it, things are always hopping in one way or another…lots of questions, no answers, too many scary surprises and all it really does is keep things devastatingly interesting.  It would just be easier to peel an onion and cry.

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Hide and Seek

October 20, 2009 at 9:24 pm (Addiction, Enlightenment, Family, Gambling, Spending)

Well, the peace that I am seeking certainly decided to hide today…much like most days…it plays a game of hide and seek along with so many other things in my life.  The day started out being nerve-racking, as the potential buyers of our house had their home inspection.  We spent most of the weekend getting “ready,” although how ready can you really get other than some cleaning, clean-up, and well, accepting that whatever you had been procrastinating on repairing (regardless of how minor,) was now going to be discovered.  Not that we have anything to hide, we don’t, which is very different from our own purchase of this house (that eventually ensued in a lawsuit from all of the “undiscovered issues.”)  But being the perfectionist that I am, I preferred to not have some peeling paint here and there, some rotten shingles, and the 2 snake skins they found in the 1757 grain cellar (aka our front basement that we never ever go in.)  So this morning I tried to stay calm and put the finishing touches on, well, nothing, since there really wasn’t anything I could do without a reality tv home makeover crew.  Needless to say, the inspection went well, however there were a couple of “surprises,” that we hope don’t come back to haunt us.  (Even though this particular antique is not haunted.)  I’m told that there are always things that homeowners don’t really know about their own house that they pay the bank for diligently every month.  So in a day or two we will know where we are with the step by step purchase and sale of our house.

Since we had to be gone for several hours while the inspection took place, I spent the afternoon at my friend S’s house, she lives right up the road.  So I picked up the kids from school and piled in on her, she is so fun, so entertaining, and so easy-going about people coming and going from her house, and we settled in for a long afternoon of homework, wine, cooking, wine, texting the real estate agent, wine, dinner and dessert, and wine, and then I headed back home to assess the damage.  (Of course there was no “damage” from a home inspection, just some tracked in dirt and off-set furniture.) 

On my way home however, I inadvertently found out about some things related to Mr. Ex’s gambling addiction.  This is the thing.  In a home inspection you schedule and appointment to sit and wait to hear what horrible things are wrong with your house, it takes a few hours, then it’s done.  You know what it is, you fix it, you move on (hopefully, literally.)  In my life, I sit and wait to hear what horrible things occurred during Mr. Ex’s gambling days and his impending recovery.  For those not married to addicts, let me explain.  Whatever the addiction is/was, there is/will be a domino effect.  Fallout.  Shrapnel.  That appears days, weeks, months, even years later.  And when it appears, it feels almost as fresh, raw, and just plain yucky that it felt when you first found out about the addiction and start to live the damage.  It’s like re-living the ick because to you it’s new.  To the addict it’s “old news.”  “Yesterday.”  Or, “I forgot about that…but that was then and now we are moving on.”  Hmmm.

I say Hmmm a lot lately.  I try not to jump to conclusions, I try to not jump to judgment, condemnation or live by appearances alone.  Maybe I am getting false information.  Or maybe it’s true information from the past that I’m just finding out about in the present so it isn’t as “real,” as it was.  But why does it still feel so awful?

So today was stressful, not peaceful, and yet yesterday I learned from my wise, wonderful therapist B how to dig deep for peace, as it’s always there even when we don’t feel it.  Maybe my day would have been even more stressful if I hadn’t been given the opportunity to learn something about that from her.  And if that is the case– more stressful–then I could potentially be passed out by now.  And no, not from all the wine.  That was a few glasses spread out over hours of food and get this—I rarely even drink…I know…that’s sad.  A gal should have regular doses of  fun, wine, and chocolate with her girlfriends, but I tend to opt for chaos, exhaustion, and stress. Woohoo.

Shouldn’t hide and seek be fun?  Is that the secret to life?  Just have fun no matter how unnervingly discombobulating things get?  I’ll let you know when I find out.

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Tormented Tale

October 15, 2009 at 9:52 pm (Addiction, Gambling)

Fairy Tales aren’t pretty.  Maybe we think they are when we are little girls (and boys,) but they really are not what they are cracked up to be.  They are facades of what we wish really was.  They aren’t real.  I have always wished and believed they were real but they aren’t.  The last 24 hours are an example of that. 

I honestly do not understand what set Mr. Ex off, but this is an example of how I lived the last several years.  Yesterday Mr. Ex blew up at me, blamed me for it, and didn’t let up for over a day.  I haven’t seen this particular Mr. Ex in a several weeks.  This is the Mr. Ex that I knew for many years wondering what was going on and not knowing that he was secretly gambling.  Gambling addicts are not known for being particularly kind to their family members and friends.  The ups and downs of gambling cause unbelievable mood swings in the gambler, irritability, verbal assaults, awful, nasty, and mean ways that propel the addict to cause pain to those he loves.  Mr. Ex in the last 30-ish hours has been (and even in his words,) “abusive, abrasive, loud,” and from over here seems to have reverted back to his previous gambling “personality.”  We un-fondly refer to that person as “Angry Mr. Ex.” 

I’m told this is part of “recovery,” that there will be ups and downs and withdrawals and a big, huge, giant mountain for Mr. Ex to climb.  He does have a lot on his plate, two jobs, kids, one with special needs, a house to sell, a potential out-of-state job that he is being assigned to, and all of the debilitating “after-math” of his actions.  He is in a lot of pain, he has caused a lot of pain, to himself, to his family, and he admits it.  His mind is a whirlwind of torture and he can’t keep up, it seems exhausting.  Mr. Ex did take this anger to his therapy where he explained from his perspective what had gone on for the last day, and from the feedback he gave me, it seems that he got a handle on it and he felt some sense of closure about it and was ready to move on from it, which is good.  But I am still hurting.   

Addictions cause tremendous and unrelenting pain and ruin for everyone the addiction touches.  Mr. Ex suffers his own internal demons, and there is a very strong fire that feeds them.  He is trying to fight them right now and there will be days  that fight is harder and requires more strength, more energy, more determination.  And when that happens, not sure what I do.  It’s really hard to have hope, belief and optimism when you are in the middle of, or are on the receiving end of angry, spinning, emotional chaos. 

My wonderful, wise therapist B told me today that optimism is great. But optimism grounded in realism is fantastic and healing.  So I better also work on optimism grounded in realism because I know right now I have, and always have had, optimism grounded in the wishes and beliefs of fairy tales.  The only time in my entire life I ever felt safe was when I sat on my grandfather’s lap and he read me Cinderella.  He must have read it over a thousand times, over and over and over, each time we were together.  I have never felt truly and purely emotionally safe other than that.  The irony is that we have to create that safety for ourselves.  I am just learning that now.  I really don’t like writing about this.  I want to feel good, feel strong, feel empowered, while living happily ever after.  I want all of my hopes, dreams, and desires to grow in strength, in love, in courage, in peace, in joy, and in truth, and not get blasted by a fire-breathing dragon, or sunk in a moat, or lost in an enchanted forest with evil witches. 

I may not have a glass slipper, but I guess I’ll see if my pumpkin can turn into a protective bubble until all is right with my world.

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