Sex and Cooking

March 10, 2010 at 7:03 pm (Fairy Tale Thoughts, Friends)

“You can never tell about a person’s sex life just by looking at them.”   (line from the 2009 movie, Julie and Julia referring to Julia Child’s healthy sex life.)  There is no truer quote.  Although I do believe it, I will refrain from commenting.  Instead, I will talk about Julia’s other love.  Cooking.    There is no love greater than the love of food?  Maybe.  

I have rediscovered my love of cooking.  I cooked for years, and then took a short sabbatical during a brief stint of extenuating stressful circumstances.  I was quite afraid that I would lose my touch in the kitchen, from well-rounded, healthy, kid friendly, gourmet meals to baked goods from scratch, I had quite a tasty repertoire.   Much to my surprise, my once-tired brain recently kicked into gear and I find myself back in the kitchen whipping up pleasures like sautéed seafood, roasted vegetables, baked comfort food with a touch of elegance, complimented by aromatic wines, sinful sides and satisfying desserts.

Cooking wonderful foods also has another benefit.  It draws males and females together in a sensory stimulation experience that connects tasteful pleasures with sensual communication.  Like not knowing about a person’s sex life just by looking at them, you can never really tell how delicious food is just by looking at it.  But merge food and romance and you have two of life’s universal pleasures all rolled into one captivating combination.  

I think Julia Child knew one very important thing:  cooking is like sex.  Practice makes perfect.

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Moving Day Part 2

February 27, 2010 at 9:47 pm (Divorce, Friends, House, Uncategorized)

Last week Mr. Someone Else and I went to get a truckload of my stuff from my other house several hours away.  Today he went to get a truckload of his stuff.  It was an easier trip, his other house is only a few minutes from our new little home. 

We started out the chock-full day with a hearty breakfast of warm muffins and strong coffee.  Then we headed to the UHaul store in more falling snow to pick up his truck.  We had just been there to drop off my truck last weekend, the guy who works there recognized us.  He gave us the keys and off we went.

There wasn’t quite as much to move this time, so the packing and loading went fairly quickly.  A friend of Mr. Someone Else’s helped, a friend who knew our situation well.  It was nice to have the muscle power to move furniture swiftly and efficiently. 

The conversation was interesting.  I listened to the two men talk about things…with knowing gestures, understanding nods, and discerning eye contact.  Men certainly express things differently than women do, they cut to the chase, make their point, and move on with a chuckle and a high five.

But the real chuckle came when we returned the truck to the UHaul store.  Mr. Someone Else and I were just doing what we do–talking amongst ourselves, smiling, and interacting together.  The familiar UHaul guy laughed loudly and blurted out, “Boy you don’t see people like you two very often.”  What?? 

He didn’t hold back.  “It’s clear that you two are moving in together, you have rented two trucks in two weeks and you look ridiculously happy, laughing, showing affection and love like you just don’t see anymore.”  Ok REALLY? 

He kept going.  “I wish I had a girlfriend like you, who is holding my hand, touching me, looking at me the way you two look at each other.  How did you two meet?  On an internet dating site?  Did somebody fix you up?  How do I get what you have?”  Well no…we met in high school.  We were the best of friends, an unspoken attraction that was never divulged until recently, when we reconnected on Facebook. 

“On Facebook??” he says, still laughing out loud.  “That’s incredible!  I guess I better get a Facebook account, I really want to get together with someone and be as happy as you two are.  I’m going home tonight and am signing up.” 

He wrapped it up by saying, “Go on, get out of here, go back to your home and unpack and enjoy your lives together.  Congratulations.” 

I have to say, that was really very surprising, to have someone you don’t know blurt out what they are thinking—that what they see is wonderful.  It’s nice to spread some happiness, despite the long road and daily difficulties of divorce.  It reminds me of a time that Mr. Someone Else and I were out to dinner, and on our way out the door the manager of the restaurant looked at us with a big smile and said, “Thanks for coming.  Have a magical night.” 

That’s just what we are doing.  Moving into magic.

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Simple Surprises

February 23, 2010 at 9:01 pm (Boys, Divorce, Enlightenment, Family, Friends, Work)

What a day.  It started out something like this.  Get up, make coffee, have breakfast with Mr. Someone Else, get online, read and reply to 50 emails, converse with Mr. Ex about kid, house, and divorce administration while decorating apartment, yoga, shower, get ready for job interview, go to job interview, shop for a shower curtain, come home, pour a glass of wine, get back online, balance checkbook, eat dinner, do laundry, relax.   Not bad for a gal who is juggling a lot of chaotic, life changing balls at once. 

This day was manageably hectic and full of surprises, like when I realized that my interview clothes were too big and I did not have a belt to wear so had to scramble for safety pins to cinch in the waist so they would not fall down.  Or when I got a parking ticket after my meter expired during the meeting.  When I got home I found two big boxes filled with treats from supportive relatives who sent care packages. 

But nothing was as surprising as when Mr. Ex and I had a very pleasant conversation about our situation.  He is very supportive of me starting my life over here, almost like he is trying to make up for the hurt that was caused during our marriage.

In fact, he actually cracked some jokes about my “bachelorette pad in a new town with lots to explore,” asked about Mr. Someone Else’s bruised rib from helping me move, and rolled his eyes saying he could tell him a few things about living with me.  I’d say that made for some pretty good banter as we are trying to move forward with our lives.

We also had a more serious discussion about where we are emotionally at this stage of our separation and impending divorce.  Mr. Ex said he could not really grieve the loss of our marriage while he is so worried about trying to find a job.  He is also working hard taking care of the children, and it’s going well.  He finally understands what it’s like to fully care for three boys, one with special needs, manage a house that is on the market, cook, clean, pay bills, shop, run household errands, be a taxi service for the kids, and try to keep smiling in the process. 

When Mr. Ex and I were married and living together, I felt like I was doing everything alone, Mr. Ex was not there emotionally–we had a mammoth disconnect.  Now we have a physical separation, a few hundred miles away, and while we are each “alone” in our endeavors, we are emotionally doing better “together.” 

There have been some moments of long distance discord while trying to work through the logistics of our divorce, but overall we each have a better understanding of what our roles have been and what they are going to be.  I am optimistic that we can continue to work through whatever emotional downs present themselves along the way.

Sure I have to compartmentalize that neither of us have a job and his severance has run out, that I’m temporarily mothering my children a few hours away, that there are some technicalities that need to be worked through before we’re all settled.   But I embrace each day that is filled with surprises, pleasant exchanges with my future ex, and delightful experiences in my life here.  I read somewhere that all endings are happy endings.  It’s just a matter of staying with the story long enough.

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Judgment Day

February 22, 2010 at 10:30 pm (Divorce, Family, Friends)

Controversy can bring out a lot of negative emotion for people.  When those thoughts are then verbalized, and opinions are expressed, people get hurt.  One of the hardest things to accept when faced with your own personal conflict?  Being judged.

Judgment is a natural human reaction to things that cause discomfort.  Almost everybody does it, even if people claim they don’t, more often than not, they do.  It is even more magnified when someone says they aren’t judging, adds an inferential or stated “but,” then continues to exert their personal beliefs and opinions.

Why do people feel the need to judge?  Usually it stems from fear, from worry, from their own inability to manage their feelings about a situation.  Judgment also comes out of caring.  When you care enough about someone who you don’t want to see in pain, you may speak up, even if what you say results in distress.

But no one can possibly understand what it feels like to live in someone else’s reality.  No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors in other people’s lives, even though they think they do.  How can they?  So they feel the need to express whatever things they need to so that they feel better, regardless of how that makes someone else feel.  And when they feel better, they have just rationalized their judgment.

Judgment starts with analysis—taking personal views and trying to put together what you think is happening with other people’s actions, and then determining whether what others are doing is right or wrong in your opinion.

Then there is rationalization.  You decide that your feelings and beliefs are the better ones to have based on any number of things—popular consensus, societal norm, spirituality and religion, or just strong opinion.

Finally you verbalize your sentiment to both to the party that you disagree with, as well as with those “on your side,” who agree with your assessment and opinion.  But verbalizing your convictions spreads adversity and perpetuates an endless cycle of negativity for everyone involved.

People may even go as far as trying to manipulate the person they believe is creating what they see as the problem into coming over to their “side.”  In their minds, this is the “right” side, without giving consideration to the other person’s feelings, causing hostility and hurt to all parties.

Not everyone views every situation the same way, and people may make different decisions given the same circumstances.  The problem with judgment is that it does not allow for the person being judged to have their own thoughts, feelings and actions about their own life.  It devalues a person’s personal truth and knowledge about themselves.  Even when it comes from a caring place, it can feel disrespectful, and more importantly, feels unloving.

It’s easy to have an opinion about what others say or do, because there is no direct responsibility.  It’s easier to judge than to stand on the higher moral ground of unconditional acceptance.  Those being judged must then endure the repercussions of that.

We should all take a moment before we express our thoughts about other people’s lives, their authenticity, and veracity.  It’s unfortunate to condemn those who truly know themselves, listen to their inner guidance, and follow their heart.

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Moving and Grooving

February 22, 2010 at 1:01 am (Divorce, Enlightenment, Family, Friends, House)

Mr. Ex needed closure.  After I told him I was moving to another state and further told him there was someone else, he wanted my stuff out of the house.  I get that.  He wasn’t vicious about it, just insistent.  Again, I think he needed closure.  And so did I.

The timing was not great because life here and at home is still complicated–not only my life, but the life of my Someone Else.  At the end of a harrowing week and after five days hunkered down in our new apartment with bare walls and no furniture, he and I found ourselves in a car driving east on the thruway to pick up my stuff.

But really it was going to be more than that.  Not only were we going to get my clothes, some furniture, many lamps and a few books, but this was also an opportunity to show my Someone Else a peek into my life and family.

For weeks the skies over my new home were a shade of gray but on Friday the sun was out and the further we drove from our apartment, the better both of us seemed to feel.  Maybe it was the tunes, my Someone Else has a great selection on his ipod, including ancient bluesmen, obscure bluegrass, and even a little Sinatra.  I have to say the miles felt good.

But it also had something to do with the mission.  Then, I thought it was all about getting my stuff and getting Mr. Ex off my back.  But really I think it was about moving forward.

At 10 pm my little village is dark and fast asleep.  But the lights were still on at J’s house, so we pulled in the driveway and went inside.  What’s great about coming home is that after weeks of getting beat up for our newfound relationship we found people who opened their arms to it and gave us a hug.

This was also the first introduction of my Someone Else to my kids and it came at 10:15 at night after six hours and 400 miles on the road.  He was already nervous and has enough on his mind about his own kids, but he looked them in the eye and said hello.

A few minutes with J and the kids and we were gone, off to the house that was once full of hope but now does not feel like home.  How do you split up the possessions of a 20 year marriage?  I guess it can be simple.  We walked through the house, took a quick inventory, and started packing until 3 am.

Mr. Ex provided the alarm clock the next morning, a text at about 6:30 am, wondering what time we would be done, so he could come back home.  We rolled out of bed, ran out for coffee, then got busy packing and moving.  My friend S brought the boxes and an uncanny know-how of how to fill them.  It all went pretty quick. Her soon-to-be-ex husband R was a big help loading the truck with an impossibly long couch and the armoire that left my Someone Else with a bruised rib while trying to get it down the narrow antique stairwell.

In the middle of all this, Mr. Ex shows up.  I think he just wanted to meet this guy who has taken me off to another state, happily away from him.  They were polite and even shook hands, while I was distraught.  This was not a meeting I had anticipated.  It seemed like it took forever for him to leave, but it all seemed to work out for the best.  Mr. Ex even said my Someone Else was a nice guy, and my Someone Else even stuck up for him when I was browbeating Mr. Ex about the house not being clean in my absence.

After about four hours, a few tense moments, bruises, and aching muscles, we were packed and ready to head home.  But there was something else we had to accomplish, a more formal meeting between my three boys and my Someone Else.  We went to my son’s basketball game, where Mr. Ex and my Someone Else sat together and talked about football.  What the hell is that all about?

After the game, we went to lunch.  Me, my three boys, and my new guy.  They interacted with Mr. Someone Else but still acted like teenagers…oh joy! 

After lunch we brought them home and I walked into my home, the last time I would enter as a resident.  I hugged them goodbye, called for Mr. Ex who did not answer me, he was in the shower, so I left.  He called me later and told me he was upset and I said I was sorry.  My Someone Else was driving the loaded truck and I was in my full car.

10 minutes into our trip home, a state trooper pulled up behind me, lights flashing, but not for speeding.  It seems that the last number on my license plate was covered by dirt and he stopped me so I would clean it off.  You know this is not a complaint about the state trooper, because there was an Amber Alert in the area and they were looking for somebody who looked just like me.

One beautiful sunset, seven hours and four stops later, we got home to our quiet apartment.  The moon shining brightly through our windows, we poured a glass of wine and reflected on the previous 34 hours.  And what did we learn?

Probably that moving forward is more than moving furniture, saying goodbye, and driving home.  Moving forward is also about healing hearts, cleaning up messes, and walking into a new apartment with your old stuff under a moonlit sky with your special Someone.

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Two’s Company

February 16, 2010 at 10:20 pm (Divorce, Enlightenment, Friends)

I moved in to my new house yesterday…but not alone.

Where do I begin?  With a friend request.  Several months ago an old friend reached out to me on Facebook.  We were high school friends, the kind that want to be more, but for one reason or another did not.  Instead we stayed close in unrequited love.  We spent years together talking, sharing, laughing, living, being together in every way that mattered, except one. 

I fixed him up with all of my friends, I don’t know why I never fixed him up with me.  He dated them, a way for us to be closer, he even married one of them.  It all came to an end when we moved away from our hometown many years ago, but we never forgot.

Years went by and we each lived separate but parallel lives.  We thought about each other frequently but did not reach out, why, neither of us really knows for sure.  Then on the birthday of a mutual high school friend he sent me a friend request.  I was sipping coffee sitting on my bed with my laptop and Mr. Ex when the email came in.  I was shocked, enough that Mr. Ex was a bit surprised by my response.  I looked at his profile.  There he was.  My wonderful old friend. 

He looked different.  I was mysteriously drawn to him as I read his profile.  I quickly accepted the friend request and sent him an email.  His reply came moments later.  We picked up right where we left off two decades earlier, as if no time had passed.  We talked, we reminisced, we re-connected. 

Long story short, we live together now.  How we got here we aren’t really sure.  We did not intend for this to happen, it just did and we couldn’t stop it, and here we are in the midst of all the consequences of falling in love. 

Sometimes you just don’t know where life will lead you.

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On The Edge of Knowingness

February 14, 2010 at 11:18 pm (Divorce, Enlightenment, Family, Friends)

I was supposed to be checking out of my hotel today and going back to my homestead after my brief “find my future” expedition.  But I’m still here.  Looks like I may have found it.  My future that is. 

Of course I am still not sure what it really looks like.  It’s a feeling of sorts, that I’m on the edge of knowing.  As the story unfolds I am submerged in a dream that vacillates between fairy tale and reality.  It’s overwhelming.   I am consumed with judgment that I have placed on myself, as well as the judgment of others.

I am not going wrap myself in what others think, but I am wounded by their words in momentary lapses of weakness.  At times fear overpowers me, but waves of confidence fill my soul.  Is there only one way to weave ourselves toward our destiny? 

I have the opportunity to re-invent my life.  I did not know it would be so hard.  I have a firm vision, but turning that into reality is less than an easy road.

I told a friend that I had secured an apartment here and that I am not going back home.   “That’s wonderful,” she said, “You have reached one of your goals.”  A goal?  I never really thought of it like that.  I have a need for financial and emotional self-reliance, and I have taken a sabbatical from years of stress and tragedy so that I have the strength to successfully move forward in this dramatic life change.

But you know what, I received a message today in email from a daily inspirational service called Totally Unique Thoughts (www.tut.com): 

Think that you’re guided, and that all is well; that there’s time, that life is easy, and that the best is yet to come. Think that the reasons that elude you will one day catch up, that the lessons that have stumped you will one day bring joy, and that the sorrows that have crippled you will soon give you wings. Think that you’re important, that you cannot fail, and that happiness always returns.     

This is what I know:  The best is yet to come.  Happiness hasn’t really left me.  And I think it’s all there just hovering over the horizon on the realm of reachable possibilities.

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A Tribute to My Friends

January 27, 2010 at 10:21 pm (Enlightenment, Family, Friends)

I don’t know how I will ever thank all the girlfriends through the years who have made an undeniable impact on my life.   During this time of great change, I frequently pause for reflection feeling joy from all the support and love I have received.  I am coming out of the storm and need to share my thoughts and thanks with these women, the village who has shaped and molded me and the life I am living.  (In chronological order.) 

My friend JL.  From when we were little girls dancing in tutus and playing hide and seek in the church steeple, to when she dated my good friend in college, her radiance touched my soul and stayed.

My friend JGM.  She held my hand during every Brownie meeting, every school play, every playground escapade, while reading Judy Blume books, and made me feel strong and loved in the glow of her angelic beauty that exists to this very day.  Lost and then found, our spirits have stayed connected. 

My friend CH.  Her strong, sweet, and a little bit sinful nature carried us through the treacherous years of middle school, laughter of high school, and beyond.  She taught me how to dance in the rain before the storm passed, and she still holds the umbrella for me even today.

My friend D.   The sister I never had.  The one who has shown me love, faith, enthusiasm and joy no matter what, and always will be there for me, no matter how much time has passed or where we live. 

My friend K.  Her guiding light during my darkest times taught me how to live from a place of optimism while persevering with strength and hope.  She never gave up on me and her years of daily, loving support helped transform me into who I am today.  She carried me when I could not stand up. 

My friend J.  She came into my life like a gift from the heavens.  A breath of fresh air, which with her calm presence and shroud of mystery makes daily life interesting, intriguing, enjoyable, and completely bearable.  She has welcomed me into her family as if I am her own.  Her generosity is endless.  Her support is everlasting. 

My friend S.  She is truly my happy sister of travelling lifetimes.  Our connection is unique and strong and comes from where, we don’t even know, it just is.  We have been together and will stay together through all of it, this life and into the great beyond. 

My friend H.  I have never met anyone like her.  This strong, raw, smart, beautiful woman exudes character and spice and points out what can be found in a world where things are often missed.   She wears her truth on her sleeve and makes me do the same.  She keeps the real real while adding a splash of fantastic.

My friend CM.  Her quiet, serene strength boggles my mind.  When faced with debilitating issues, she glides through them with ease while offering peace to everyone around her.   In the midst of her difficulties she always chooses to comfort me with the gift of her compassion and friendship.

My friend LB.  Her words of encouragement and wisdom are remarkable.  Her insight is astounding and her articulation of that as it applies to our everyday lives is like soul-food.  Her entrance into my life was a turning point that showed me when one door closes another one opens and we walk through together. 

My friend BND.  This woman has survived things no wife or mother should and has lived to tell about it offering nothing but encouragement to everyone around her in spite of it.  She’s a gem who remembers long stem red roses, a lacy gown, and brushes away lost years and tears with a caring hand. 

My friend M.  This woman exudes more staying power than anyone I have ever met, and offers her wisdom, guidance, and love freely through humor and modesty.  She is the most beautiful example of fearless optimism. 

My friend GM.  She came to me through M and offers me encouragement, support, and peace even when she is dealing with her own arduous life stressors.  She smiles with her friendship and reminds me to keep believing.

My friend B.  This woman’s wisdom, intuition, guidance, and support is like a beating pulse that keeps my heart and my mind in sync.  Her presence in the world and in my life is a pure privilege that I will never ever ever forget. 

My “adopted” mother A.  She is the other mother intended to be a treasure of solace in my life in the only way mothers can be.  Her unwavering, soft, loving gentleness breathes life into my spirit daily. 

And then of course my mother. My strongest supporter, my lifelong friend, confidante, and guardian angel through everything, past, present, future.

I am so blessed to have these women in my life.  They are ties to the past, roads to the future, and connections to peace.  Thank you dear friends.

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Yes We Can

January 20, 2010 at 10:43 pm (Enlightenment, Family, Friends)

When our country’s fearless leader was elected, my children and I adopted one of his favorite slogans, “Yes we can.”   It became a running joke, but then merged into a motto that we turn to when we are looking for a solution, but don’t have an immediate answer.  We say it in jest, we say it in frustration, we say it when we’re trying to accomplish something. 

Like today…

The fact that I got the giant holiday wreath off the peak of the barn with a very tall ladder, in 8 feet of snow, in my flannel pants and boots, then got all the dead balsam needles out of my hair?  Yes I can.

The way I can tune out my teenager’s substandard bass playing skills when he cranks his amp all the way up instead of doing his homework?  Yes I can.

How I turned a turkey meatloaf into a delicacy that the kids gobbled up followed by consuming an entire sleeve of Chips Ahoys and a fishbowl of Merlot?  Yes I can. 

The frequency with which I exile myself from my family into “my chamber” as they call it, to write into the wee hours of the night?  Yes I can.

When I can stand on my head then drop into a backbend while doing yoga and simultaneously text my friends?  Yes I can.

How I maintain calmness, composure and niceness when Mr. Ex stopped in to pick up more clothes after recently moving out?  Yes I can.  That took a little more “yes I can” power than texting during yoga, but I mustered it up. 

Today was easy.  Tomorrow, who knows.   Life is changing all the time, and it takes confidence to move through the challenges of each day.   When I wonder how things will unfold, it all comes down to releasing expectation.  Not of what I think could happen, but expecting that no matter what, good things will happen.     

Sometimes it’s not always in the question, but in the answer.  Bravely surmount every challenge that life presents to get to my happy ending…or happy beginning?  Yes I can.

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The Virtual Mom

January 19, 2010 at 1:48 am (Friends)

What does a stay at home mom do.  This loaded question gets even more loaded when her kids are in school all day so she has several hours at home to do whatever it is that she does. 

I know a couple of stay at home moms who spent an entire year waking up each morning, putting their children on the bus, then sitting down at their computers and talking to each other on instant message.  Conversing ear to ear via telephone made more sense until thanks to the internet, we discovered Avatars.

Avatars are graphical images that represent people.  You can choose their facial features and expressions, hair color, clothing, homes, they have accessories, computers, cell phones, pets, and they become an alternate ego that lives in an avatar world, who then talks to other avatars via instant message. 

Seems ridiculous to create a computer persona, but maybe not different from having Barbie dolls growing up, dressing them in clothes, pretending to be them, creating lives for them that we lived through, personification of our thoughts and views on life as lived through Barbie.  Avatars are virtual versions of that, for all ages. 

Looking back on the avatar time that has since passed, I wonder what I was doing on instant message for hours each morning talking with my friend about everything from what we had for breakfast to solving the world’s problems.  I loved my avatar, she was the me that I was, and the me I wanted to be.   She could travel her virtual world and live in exotic places, wear whatever she wanted, she could be true to life or she could be fantasy.  She had a lot to say to her friend and a lot to learn from her friend.  She laughed, she cried, she dreamed, she hoped.  And then she was left in her virtual world when real life took over at the end of our instant message conversations.

This doesn’t do much for the image of what a stay at home mom really does all day.  But sometimes we need a distraction from the chaos of motherhood, reverting back to a more carefree time when we could escape with Barbie and friends and live a fantasy life for just a little while. 

Our avatar craziness got me through some really tough times with the reality of my non-fairy tale life.   My morning coffee, the computer, my good friend and her avatar, and our stories…every day…living through a virtual me.  Welcome to a new era of stay at home moms.

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