It’s soooooo windy, and sooooo warm, an almost-full moon with dark clouds drifting across it, an excellent Halloween night. Oddly enough nobody being home is just not bothering me. I thought it would but it’s not. I’m actually enjoying the quiet. Since we don’t live in a neighborhood we don’t really get any trick or treaters (which saves a bundle on candy and until this year when each of us has had something different to do, has afforded us the opportunity to go out as a family.) So it’s quiet. Although the wind is howling and the shutter door is banging on the house (age: 1757 so perfectly spooky,) I’m enjoying their absence….still waiting for the return of the kids and their bags, the loot we call it, filled with all the delicious junk that is only allowed on Halloween of which I will partake. Of course tonight only it’s calorie-free and necessary to indulge in the festivities of the occasion.
We turn the clocks back tonight too. This is not an activity I enjoy in the least, it’s such a nuisance, as I have a clock in every room, even two or three. I love clocks. I used to love clocks. But only in the last few weeks have I noticed the clocks and that they symbolize the passage of time. Why do I need to be reminded of that every day? Yes I’m getting older. Yes it’s going faster. At least tonight we gain an hour, like going back in time for 60 whole minutes. I could use that hour, but even more so could use enough time to hibernate and recover.
I don’t use the term “recover” lightly. I really need to recover from all the things in the past that have caused the time to fly by in pain and anguish, so much so that when I look back I can barely remember when things were good. So much is a blur, not a good blur, but a blur of memories tainted with stress, sadness, sickness. Ick. Who wants to remember that. So turning back the clocks is actually an oxymoron for me. I prefer to look forward, but when I do that I tend to worry. My wonderful, wise therapist B said today that she caught a belief of mine in my last blog post (A Spooky Poem,) ensuring that I will always be worrying about something, and seem to have a very good reason. (Ding Ding Ding! Yep. That’s me.) She also said that underneath it seems that I may even be looking for reasons to worry which in her words were a “sweet stress insurer.”
Ponder that one for a minute. I’m actually looking for reasons to worry to ensure stress? That’s kinda big. It feels subconscious and built-in, so maybe it’s time to start consciously thinking about how to change the internal clock to a set time where I won’t have to worry so much, let alone find reasons to worry to perpetuate stress. I don’t want to worry or feel stressed, I don’t like it, it’s not enjoyable and frankly it’s a major energy-zapper and buzz-kill. Thinking about all the time that has passed and how much of it has been spent in worry, in fear, in misery, it’s all justifiable, we have been through the ringer, several lifetimes worth. But I’d like to learn how to enjoy time in and of itself, in the present, right here, right now. After doing yoga (which teaches being fully present) for almost a decade I have learned a tiny bit about it, once in a while it seems that time really does stay in the present moment if I can keep my mind from wandering backwards and simultaneously worrying ahead. But those moments are somewhat fleeting.
It’s night like this when I am fully cognizant of the present moment, it’s Halloween and my children aren’t here for the first time in 16 years, and it’s not so bad. And why all of a sudden for the first time in my life am I actually noticing the reminders of the passage of time just by having clocks to change in every room? Is this just something new to worry about?
Even though the “official” time doesn’t change until 2 a.m., I’m going to turn my clocks back now so that I can enjoy that added hour while I’m awake. As my wise therapist friend B said to me tonight, “All you have to do is just one day, one minute at a time.” Imagine that. So in this very moment I think I will take some time to eat some treats and when I turn back the clocks it will be like I never even ate them. Perfect.