The End

What greater thing is there for two human souls
Than to feel that they are joined for life…
To strengthen each other in all labor
To rest on each other in all sorrow
To minister to each other in all pain
And to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories.  

Cinderella found her slipper.
Sleeping Beauty was awakened.
Snow White met her prince.

I have searched and searched for my fairy tale and have finally found it.

Daily Wonderment

Here I am again trying to write about my crazy wonderful nutty storybook life, with caution, with care, and with love. 

Every day I wake up and wonder what the day will bring.  Since the universe set things in motion on this new path a few months ago, we have been given opportunities to explore new life experiences.  Each hour of every day offers choices, challenges, and discoveries. 

The morning may begin with an email or a phone call that oftentimes will gage where others are on the emotional scale of divorce.  That scale is a seemingly never-ending rollercoaster of moods, continually changing, up and down, fluid, and inconsistent.  We never know what emotion will be cast upon us or rise up in us like a cloudy shadow, sometimes with sunbeams radiating through, other times with torrential rains pouring down.  The fluidity of feelings tosses us into murky depths, we rise to the surface, catch our breath, and are then are pulled under again by the turmoil of divorce.  Sometimes we can rise above it, sometimes we cannot. 

By midday we have figured out how to cope, what our emotional strategy is, and continue to take the high road of compassion, caring, and as much as possible–consistency.   Some days are harder than others, depending on the circumstances.  We breathe our way through the afternoon, working together to stay above the clouds, praying for them to release their inner turmoil, find inner peace, and for our own strength and serenity to help them get there. 

Late afternoon into the dinner hour is a time of regrouping, a time to gather ourselves and make our way back into our bubble—the one that got us here to begin with.  We talk endlessly about everything, continually trying to figure out how to manage the emotional chaos of divorce, of others’ unhappiness, and about our lives together.  We laugh, we cry, we live, we love, in spite of our situation.  We continue to move forward and feel compassionately for ourselves, and for everyone around us. 

It’s very hard to reconcile the pain and the blame that is regularly thrown at us with feeling sad that we have hurt them.  We want the hurting to stop, we want them to move forward with us, sometimes wondering if that is too much to ask, knowing that there is no other alternative.  We have extended olive branches that have not been received, we have had to forgive and to not feel hurt by their words and actions.  Sometimes it seems next to impossible to do, but we do it with little hesitation. 

Not every day is like this, but many are.  This time of change is hard, but is worth it now and in the long run.  We are living a life that our hearts asked us to live.  We are strong and we know that we will endure the trials of divorce.  The path we are on is the one that beckons us to joy.  The life we are creating now brings us love and laughter and helps those around us to heal and grow.  We feel the love and we turn it up, every wondrous day.

Building The Moat

For several weeks now I have been writing Fairy Tale Thoughts and little messages that have been somewhat applicable to my life.  Perhaps they have not applied to me directly, but to those that are intertwined in the divorce web that we find ourselves caught up in.   

I have received so many messages saying that my readers miss my daily bantering about my life, the good, the bad, the happy, the sad.  I am caught between two worlds.  The world of an enchanting situation, moving forward in love, peace, and joy; and the afflicted world of divorce, gag-ordered by attorneys, but also by my conscience, trying to be considerate to those who could be on the receiving end of angst by reading my blog.

What is a Blog Princess to do?    I am going to try to write things carefully. 

Over the last few years my life has been a chaotic whirlwind of a sorrowful spouse’s addiction, a wonderful child’s mental challenges, a beautiful house voodoo’d enough to still be on the market for almost two years, my own physical issues resulting from said agonies.  Then I stepped into my fairy tale.  I reconnected with Mr. Someone Else and we began the simultaneously jubilant and arduous task of merging our lives.  We have created upheaval from our past, and we have created a foundation for our future. 

Many in our lives have not fared well with our following our hearts, our destiny, our personal truths.  We have been judged, criticized, yelled at, and emotionally beaten up by others, and we have taken it on with strength, will, and determination.  But it has not been without turmoil, hurt, and mental exhaustion.  We have held on to each other during our dark storm, and we know that the light is there ready to shine for those in our world, if only they would let it.    

We have been in the thick of battle, we have lived surrounded by a firing squad and under a microscope.  And it is not over.  We are moving soon, away from our little home where we have some protection from the other side, and into hostile territory.  We are moving to Mr. Someone Else’s town, only a short walk away from where he used to live, where his Mrs. Ex still resides with their children.  We do so bravely.  Courageously.  Stupidly?!!?  But we know that is where we need to go, and in so doing are laying down our new roots, for ourselves and for our children. 

We have done what we have needed to do, step-by-step, to make both of our families’ lives better.   We know in our hearts we are doing the right thing for all the right reasons without justification and rationalization.  While some would say we have taken the “easy way out,” in fact we have done just the opposite and have faced the hardest things we could have faced in doing what we have done, and we have the open wounds to prove it. 

We live in our bubble of wonderment with each other, and it is infiltrated by others’ anger.   We have never stopped feeling compassion for those we have hurt, but we also continue on our path towards peace and pray that they will soon be able to do the same.

We are strongly united as we prepare for the next big step–our move to a beautiful but bitter community, to a place where we will bear scarlet letters on our chests and feel shrouds of negativity behind our backs.  We will live in armor, we will shield our children from the shrapnel, we will guard our fortress.  And I will tell the tale as I can, celebrating my fairy tale in all of its grim splendor.

Entitlement

It is not often in life that we interact with people who live from a place of mean, angry, self-righteous entitlement.  But in those instances when we do, we have to stop and determine how we are going to respond to them.  We may think we know what is causing their detrimental behavior, but we have to take a step back and decide how to help them understand what they are doing.  We have to show them how to see themselves from objectivity and help them view that what they are projecting out into the world is destructive to everyone, especially themselves.  We have to rise above their selfishness, step away from their desperation and protect ourselves from their fear. 

Living and operating from a place of condemnation, blame, and anger only creates a dirty trail of resentment and heartache.  How easy it is to slip into that mode, it is almost attractive, as entitlement, especially via conflict, can provide a sense of power and self-satisfaction.  But to live in that place of self righteous negativity has dark repercussions.

Those who live from their entitlement quickly become addicted to their pain, their hurt, their anger, and they become severed from the reality of their lives and themselves.  As they become more comfortable in their discomfort they continue to spread hostility that infiltrates their external and internal space.  Everything in their lives becomes discolored by their hardened hearts and their closed-off minds and they are weakened.  Entitlement chips away at their sanity, their well-being, and tears their lives apart.  To interact with people who operate from this place inside themselves is painful and draining.  It is almost easy to feel sorry for them. 

How do we help others relinquish the fear that drives the entitlement?  How do we help them let go of the desperate anger and the blame that feeds the self righteousness?  How do we ask them to recognize the deep detriment that ensues from these behaviors?   We must ask them to answer some hard questions about themselves and why they feel they are owed what they feel entitled to, clinging to their belief in what “should have been.”  We must remind them that entitlement makes them smaller, and their real power lies in finding compassion and gratitude. 

We must help them see who they would be without these harmful and unhealthy qualities.   Free from their self-imposed injustices, able to breathe easily and peacefully.  Free from deprecation, able to live joyfully, openly and receptively.  Free. 

 

 

I Can’t Write About It

Honestly it’s hard for me to not write about my daily life happenings.  But so goes the necessities of keeping divorce dealings under wrap.  It’s not so much mine now since my divorce papers were signed last week, but I am with someone who has a way to go.  So I can’t write about the glorious time we had with my children over the weekend, the great conversations I have had with people close to him, the drive to keep moving forward in our love, our lives, and blending our families.  I can’t write about the difficulties of not being able to see your children on a daily basis, dealing with the emotional wrath of ex’s, and being caught up in soap opera drama on one side while living in joy on the other. 

I can’t write about how my fairy tale thoughts have been one way to reach out to a troubled ex-spouse who needs a dose of inspiration.  Or how we have to figure out where to settle ourselves based on lots of constraints, while trying to keep our children stable. 

I suppose I can write about our respective hometown baseball teams being giant rivals and watching them play each other on national tv.  I can write about my job search and how I have had lots of good prospects in a still edgy economy.  I can write about the beautiful spring weather, my budding allergies, and my daily quest to find my way around my new city digs.  Perhaps there is as much beauty in that, in the simplest parts of daily existence, that turn the hours of our lives. 

Life’s transitions are filled with opportunities to grow, to feel, to learn, to experience.  What we discover about ourselves and about others can be astonishing.  Whether we awaken, or “ah ha,” or just let change happen, we must bravely surmount every challenge offered to us, and smile, knowing that our journey is our own, worthwhile and simply what we make of it, even when we can’t talk about it.  Yet.

A Few Fairy Thoughts on Forgiveness

The mirror of ourselves

The other person who you are putting all of your rage on is yourself at some level. That someone has echo’d in me something that I have not dealt with, that other has an aspect of myself and I don’t want to know about it so I project it onto someone else and say that person is no good and am going to do everything I can to get rid of that person. That person is also us. So when we get rid of somebody we think is to blame we destroy a bit of ourselves.

 The paradox

Forgiveness is a paradox, as you give up your anger to the one you believe does not deserve it, you are the one who is psychologically healed.  When a person forgives they are giving a gift of mercy to the other person.  The paradox is that you experience emotional, psychological and spiritual healing.

The puppet

Forgiveness allows us to let go of the pain in the memory, we can still have the memory but it doesn’t control us.  When memory controls us we are the puppets of the past.

The gift of compassion

Forgiveness is not possible until compassion is born in your heart.  Even if you want to forgive, you cannot without compassion.  You really have to work at it every day, when you wake up the emotions are there and you must call upon compassion to forgive.

People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.  Forgive them and free yourself from emotional bondage. 

 

 

Welcome Children

“I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.”  Maya Angelou

With open hearts and minds, my children came to see where our new blended family will be living soon.  This was their first visit here, and they willingly came, ready to get a glimpse of their future.  I was certain that my children would feel the love and trust that we offered them as we showed them their new home, and they did.  They rediscovered their inner strength after the trials and turmoil of divorce and breathed in relief, peace, and joy.  They spent time with someone who will become a very special person in their lives and as he reached out for them, they embraced him with faith. 

The last few months have been a time of great change, a time of reflection, renewal and re-creation.  I have taken adversity and turned it into advantage for my children and myself, and this weekend gave us the opportunity to together explore our new life with courage, with hope, with love.

Welcome, dear children, to a new and wonderful life that is about to begin for all of us.

What Fairy Tale: Divorce Part 2

Today my divorce was finalized in court.  I continue to move forward, putting the past behind me.  My friend L reminded me that my past is part of who I am, but I drew the courage to seek a new life in the midst of chaos and uncertainty.   She said it’s very clear that I am working to exemplify that no matter how bad the circumstances, each of us is responsible for our own happiness.  She told me it takes a great deal of courage to search for inner peace when life is surrounded by chaos, but when you want it bad enough nothing is impossible.

Maybe today’s events will eventually hit me like a ton of bricks, or maybe I already went through the worst part and moving on was the biggest challenge. I don’t know the answer to that until my journey unfolds, but I have had the courage to take the first steps and I will find the courage to carry on one step at a time no matter what life tosses my way. I will remember that, both on challenging and even on perfect days. 

I would not have this strength without my past, but I also have not let my past define my present….which, according to my friend L, is a gift that few people have the courage to open.