I’ve got nothing to say. Which is not like me, not at all.
There has to be something to say I thought, as I stood over the hot stove cleaning up the greasy meatloaf that fell off the spatula before dinner. All I could come up with was Oy vey. Whatever. Sh*t. I had just gotten the pre-prepared meatloaf at a fancy local meat shop and didn’t expect it to ooze so much fat as it cooked, leaving it swimming in the loaf pan. Why is everything such a struggle.
While I have enormous love in my life, the day-to-day is hard. We’re in a financial conundrum, neither of us can find work resulting in a passion-driven income, and it impacts us every day. Passion is paramount. Money matters. As does health. And it’s hard when all are on the fringes.
I don’t know what happened when I tripped a couple weeks ago and broke my toe, but I realized there’s a theme here. For a long time now I have been asking for a break. Give me a break I say a lot in my head, please a break. We need more income, a better job for Sir Husband, a good job for me, Jesus C just give me a break.
Well I got one. Two in fact. Literally. Bones. And that wasn’t what I meant. I suppose we need to be more specific when we are yelling to the cosmos. I’m uncomfortable from toe-to-head, my body is doing its own thing, my mind, my life, the same. When we reach the pinnacle of tolerance, even with gratitude recognized, we sometimes want a break. A lucky one, not a literal one.
“Mom, the meatloaf fell on the floor.”
I know. Give me a break.
Wait I take that back! Instead I have nothing to say. Because as I stood at the stove, spatula in my hand, I realized something that felt important, which I’ll try to put into words.
Surrender dear one, just surrender I heard. Who was that whispering in my ear? A wave of peace came over me, like a the softness of a breeze. Yea it probably sounds corny, but some moments seem simply beautiful, no matter what else is on your plate.
We don’t often recognize when our soul is speaking to us, but I heard it as plain as day in the midst of a dinner mishap.
Stop trying so hard, it said, just let it all unfold.
Now this is getting interesting, I thought as I stirred the mashed potatoes.
You mean stop worrying about how to find a job? Pay the bills? Buy a car? Stop panicking? Being sad? All I do is try…and try…and try… but still long for less struggle, more fun, more physical ability, more financial stability. If I don’t try hard to find it, how on earth will I ever have it?
I didn’t have the answer, the words just didn’t come. But the softly whispered feeling of surrender did, and that really said it all.